Jersey Shore Family Vacation Recap: Block Farts

Some sad news, to begin with: Mike has been sentenced to eight months in prison for tax evasion. The entire Jersey Shore team was by his side in court, and — along with Lauren, no doubt — will continue to be a source of support one time our beloved friend demotes Joe Giudice to the status of second most prominent reality star currently incarcerated in the Garden State. At least Mike and Lauren are due to become married early next month, earlier he'll need to cocky-surrender. (By the fashion, may I directly you to their Crate & Barrel registry? Please give me one good reason why I should not buy the happy couple a $four.95 silicone egg poacher. Okay, 2 expert reasons.)

In Seaside, Danny has left a note request the cast not to trash the house, and if you believe that these people are capable of lasting 24 hours hither with committing a serious act of property damage, then I've got a poorly installed and subsequently broken stripper pole, a couple of free-pooping dogs, and a tank elevation of mysterious origin flushed downwardly the toilet to sell you.

The gang prepares a grilled cheese, burgers, and hot dogs for a good quondam-fashioned family dinner. Mike calls upon Angelina to say grace. She embraces the opportunity with slap-up sincerity, until Vinny cuts her off mid-sentence. He's playing a dangerous game. Angelina says she has a "loaded gun" with "pieces in the sleeping accommodation" to use on Vinny, but she won't reveal whatever data she'southward belongings onto just yet. Pauly emits a 15-2d "oooooh," takes a breath, and then begins once more. The other women, who could patently not be more delighted past this development, start chanting, "Chamber! Chamber!" All in all, Angelina lasts about a minute before spilling, which I consider impressive.

"You lot know y'all used to hit me up back in the day and effort to fucking eff me," Angelina reveals in what is easily my favorite sentence I have heard in the concluding, I don't know, decade, and not least because of her creative linguistic flourish in dropping the full F-bomb in "fucking" but censoring herself for "eff me." Everyone screams.

"Are you lot guys going to listen to this lunatic?" Vinny protests, weakly. Yes. I unreservedly 100 percent believe Angelina on this affair. And worse even so, she says, he wanted to have her on a date. Hearing this, Pauly tin can't physically stay in his seat, trip the light fantastic toe-convulsing effectually the room.

Vinny, wasting no time in entering paranoid murder-wall wrongful conviction mode, grabs a bottle of ketchup and a bottle of Italian dressing to model how they grew up "miles and miles and miles abroad" from each other. Then they're standing on their chairs, screaming at each other, and then she's chasing him around, out of, and back into the house. Jenni calls this a "Staten Island mating ritual," and the unabridged firm is convinced the sexual tension between Vinny and Angelina  (Vingelina? Angina? Miss Vanjie?) will inevitably boil over.

Angelina gets her hands on the ketchup and mustard, and in the glimmer of an eye, the dining area is a Jackson Pollock bloodbath in red and yellow. "Protect the pregnant girl!" Jenni shouts, and Deena is quickly wrapped upwards in a comforter shield like this is Children of Men. The battle comes to an effective shut when Vinny blasts Angelina, indoors, with a burn extinguisher. It is a terrible mess, only on the bright side for Danny, no one is shelling out thousands of a dollars a night to rent 1209 Bounding main Terrace who isn't a massive Jersey Shore fan — maybe they'd consider some condiment outsider fine art courtesy of the cast themselves an added bonus?

To Mike's anxiety, the gang must leave their not-quite-ready Funfetti cake lingering in the oven while they pay a visit to Danny at the Shore Store. Danny looks the same, which is to say that Danny is still hot. I feel that America hasn't talked enough about Danny being hot, and I'd similar to rectify that grievous error now: Danny is hot. Thanks. They're pleased to learn that the start season of Bailiwick of jersey Shore Family Vacation has already inspired new merch designs: "Spiral Squad," "Ronpage," "You lot Cheated," and "Pass the French Chips." This is the first time Angelina "I'1000 a Bartender, I Practise Great Things" Pivarnick has seen the man who was very briefly her boss since he fired her for refusing to show up for her shift. Technically, I guess, she didn't see him when he fired her, because she was hiding in the bathroom for some reason. Why exercise and so very many Jersey Shore plot points swivel around i bath or another?

Back at the house, Mike'south eyes open almost 25 percent wider than I believed to be anatomically possible with his first blessed bite of Funfetti. Vinny passes Angelina a slice of block that fell on the table; she flicks a blob of icing at him with her spoon.

"You should put your ass in that and sit on information technology," says Jenni, who knows exactly what she is doing, and deserves every penny of every one of her MTV paychecks. Angelina cannot, molecularly, resist a dare. Lo and behold, she plops her bare butt directly into the full pan of Funfetti cake, and so pulls her shorts right back over her freshly frosted cheeks. This truly seems like more of a penalty for Mike, and really for anybody, than for Vinny specifically, but here we are.

Inquiring minds, namely Jenni's, want to know: Does Angelina want to bang Vinny or what? She says she doesn't — she's engaged. Merely then over again … She "threw her ring off" her finger the other night afterward a big fight with her fiancé, who'd effectively disappeared off the face of the earth for 24 hours.

We're overdue for a dispatch from Jersey Shore'southward Western Sadness Bureau. We witness a few minutes of Ronnie feeling depressed and Baby Ariana being very cute in Vegas, where Grandma Connie (remember Ron'southward mom?) has come to visit and help out. Things remain "unsettled" with him and Jen, he says, and information technology continues to be a huge bummer that this toxic relationship persists. Speaking of: Mike definitely wants Vinny and Pauly to exist part of the wedding party, simply has been torn virtually asking Ron — he wants very badly to include him, but worries almost overwhelming his already precarious emotional state of affairs. No matter what, though, Ronnie tin't be trusted with a plus one.

The Jersey gang spends a rainy day enjoying the rides and midway games of the Seaside Heights boardwalk, which has totally rebuilt and refurbished since Hurricane Sandy. Deena offers a sincere, if belated, apology to the proprietor of the eatery where she was arrested, and from which she was legally banned by the state for two years. (This is true — the restaurant was likewise fined $15,000 by New Jersey regulators.) Nicole, meanwhile, is rocking a Where's the Embankment? baseball cap.

Information technology's fourth dimension to say bye over again to the Shore House, with a poignant go out scored past an emo-y popular punk comprehend of "The Story of Tonight" from Hamilton that I take to rewind and mind to again in guild to convince myself that, yeah, somebody recorded an emo-y popular punk embrace of "The Story of Tonight" from Hamilton. (Apparently I dearest it.) Vinny gives Angelina a surprise goodbye kiss on the cheek; she screams and runs, and the girls call her out for blushing.

But we're not maxim bye but yet: Pauly expresses his intention to find them a different summertime firm to stay in. "Something nice, something more for 30-twelvemonth-olds," Jenni agrees. Where will the chilly, salty winds off the Atlantic accident them next? Elsewhere in Seaside? Wildwood? Long Beach Island? Lavalette? Brielle? Cape May? I could go on, but I won't, but know that I want to. (Ocean City? Asbury Park? An abased garbage barge drifting half a mile out from Sandy Claw?)

Bailiwick of jersey Shore Family Holiday Recap: Block Farts